I'm very satisfied with my daughter! She is incredibly smart, independent, and a very happy child. Seriously, she amazes me every day. She was playing with a toy that said "ok let's count to ten"...then she did! I was like WTH???? I mean she just learns things! I prob sound like a freak counting everything or singing the ABC's over and over along w/ her other favorites, but soooo worth it when she picks it up! It's the most amazing part of being a mom! Literally watching her learn and react to the world around her. I think I have said that before, but I am a proud momma!
Now that is kind of the problem! I am so content with the her...I have no desire to have any more. So much so, I have tried to convince my Hub to get a vasectomy! His response was "I'm not 100% on having another child either. I just don't want to finalize anything." To me this sounded like...don't worry you will get baby fever some day! Ummm wrong, I'm good big guy! But am I???
My cons:
-I will probably have to stop working. Which will ultimately lead to some sort of mental shut down. I love working! It gets me out of the house...I feel like a grown up for a few hours...and I make some $ for myself!
-I had terrible postpartum depression. I didn't feel right for over a year. The first 6 months were awful! I just felt like I was going through the motions.
-Am I ready to give up another 2years of freedom? I year of trying/pregnancy...and second year of nursing!
-I do not want another girl...although if I had one I wouldn't send it back or anything! I'm sure she would be perfect in every way and I would adore her. I'm just scared another girl would interfere in my relationship with R. I want to be close with my kid...I was not close with my Mother! I'm so the type of person who has a favorite! You know how moms say oh I love all my kids the same!?!? Bullshit! All the siblings always know the favorite! If I had a boy it would be different. Two girls would send me into "don't fuck your kids up overload."
-I don't want to gain a million pounds again!
My pros:
-All only children are spoiled assholes! I'm not raising an asshole!
-My Hub wants more children. I want my Hub to be happy!
-I would get to nurse again. I loved it! Even though it was a sacrifice...and I felt relief when it was over. You can't compare that kind of connection to anything else.
-I know it would be cute. Who doesn't need more cute people in the world.
-I truly value my relationships with my siblings...I want R to have that in her life!
-When I'm around my friends daughter I want more! I blame them for having such a sweet cute little girl! Even though the girls are essentially the same age...I think, hmmm this is awesome! Not terrible at all! This would be awesome...just one would be smaller and cry more!
-I won't have to have anymore if we have another. People keep asking and I keep avoiding the question! After two I will be certain I'm finished...right?
Ugh 2? I would be outnumbered at least 45 hours a week! Haha! I can't! To be continued... I guess I will give it another year. My Hub and I can decide then!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Win some and lose some
Today is a day of....anxiety of course!
I drank almost 5 days in a row at the end of last week. I was home visiting my friends and family. Every time I go home I hang out with a ton of people I have not seen in months...and usually alcohol is involved!
I was with out my Hub for most of the trip. This is a terrible combination! Me drinking a ton and no one to keep me sane! Lol sane is maybe a bad choice of words. It's just that I don't act like a lunatic when he is around. Maybe I know he's the only one who will tell me "hey dumbass knock it off"!
So my anxiety is stemming from some of my friends seeing my completely wasted antics...and others I have told the story!
I will start by making excuses for myself. I drank for five hours at a winery all day. We evidently drank so much they cut us off! Wow that was officially the first time that ever happened to me. My brother was our sober driver, and took us to a new bar. A skanky little bar in my home town. I drank $1 drafts and some dumbass was buying us rumple mints shots! Still irritated with that girl!
After that it's gets some what blurry! I unfortunately never have those black out drunk moments...only once in my life did I have a night I truly do not remember! I'm thankful for the blurriness though, I would prob be much more embarrassed if it were more clear!
We go to eat at Steak n' Shake. I would like to remind everyone that it is only 6 or 7pm at this point! We walk in looking awful I'm sure. We sit down and an older lady makes some snide comment about how trashed we were and stupid kids or something. I then let this lady have it! I told her don't take it out on us bc you're old and fat and hate your life! Her husband freaked out and started wagging his finger at me saying don't you disrespect my wife like that. I told him to kill himself and something else like what are you gonna do about it!
Seriously...WTF!!! Is wrong with me! Those people must have been horrified! I'm horrified. I don't know why I was being so mean...I blame the rumple mints!
I guess I'm a mean drunk. It just takes a lot of drink to get me to that point! Either way I wish I could apologize to that lady and explain I was in some sort of drunk induced psychosis! Ugh horrifying!
To make matters worse I have been busy apologizing to my friend S and and my brother. Hoping they believe me that I don't normally behave that way. The friends I have told the story to seem to be just as horrified! Awesome!!!
I tell my Hub...he's not even concerned . He simply says babe you can't be acting like that! He also reminds me that shit would never have happened if he was there. I say why??? He says bc I would have taken your drunk ass out before you could embarrass me! Thanks Hunny! Drop kick me into sobriety!
I drank almost 5 days in a row at the end of last week. I was home visiting my friends and family. Every time I go home I hang out with a ton of people I have not seen in months...and usually alcohol is involved!
I was with out my Hub for most of the trip. This is a terrible combination! Me drinking a ton and no one to keep me sane! Lol sane is maybe a bad choice of words. It's just that I don't act like a lunatic when he is around. Maybe I know he's the only one who will tell me "hey dumbass knock it off"!
So my anxiety is stemming from some of my friends seeing my completely wasted antics...and others I have told the story!
I will start by making excuses for myself. I drank for five hours at a winery all day. We evidently drank so much they cut us off! Wow that was officially the first time that ever happened to me. My brother was our sober driver, and took us to a new bar. A skanky little bar in my home town. I drank $1 drafts and some dumbass was buying us rumple mints shots! Still irritated with that girl!
After that it's gets some what blurry! I unfortunately never have those black out drunk moments...only once in my life did I have a night I truly do not remember! I'm thankful for the blurriness though, I would prob be much more embarrassed if it were more clear!
We go to eat at Steak n' Shake. I would like to remind everyone that it is only 6 or 7pm at this point! We walk in looking awful I'm sure. We sit down and an older lady makes some snide comment about how trashed we were and stupid kids or something. I then let this lady have it! I told her don't take it out on us bc you're old and fat and hate your life! Her husband freaked out and started wagging his finger at me saying don't you disrespect my wife like that. I told him to kill himself and something else like what are you gonna do about it!
Seriously...WTF!!! Is wrong with me! Those people must have been horrified! I'm horrified. I don't know why I was being so mean...I blame the rumple mints!
I guess I'm a mean drunk. It just takes a lot of drink to get me to that point! Either way I wish I could apologize to that lady and explain I was in some sort of drunk induced psychosis! Ugh horrifying!
To make matters worse I have been busy apologizing to my friend S and and my brother. Hoping they believe me that I don't normally behave that way. The friends I have told the story to seem to be just as horrified! Awesome!!!
I tell my Hub...he's not even concerned . He simply says babe you can't be acting like that! He also reminds me that shit would never have happened if he was there. I say why??? He says bc I would have taken your drunk ass out before you could embarrass me! Thanks Hunny! Drop kick me into sobriety!
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