Oh how I hate her!

My sister in law that is!

Tom comes in the bathroom last night with a Motrin bottle in hand. He says "you better kiss me now because I just took this whole bottle". I say... "I have some Tylenol in there if you want to take those also...just to make sure it took." We were both joking! Yes, we think it's funny to joke about suicide. We also find it humorous to encourage joking suicide!

It was all an elaborate display for how much we hate said sister in law (his sister). Let's call her Humpty Dumpty...HD for short. We met her and some of his family a few weeks ago in Erie NY for the county fair. We of course announced our big news. Everyone seemed happy for us. At least I thought... The 2nd night we were there she decided to inform me that her "husband" (I use that term for her very loosely) thinks pregnant women are repulsive.

Ok let's get one thing straight I could really care less how the crazy (her husband) feels about my current state! Does everyone not know that you never ever ever make any negative comments about a pregnant woman's body or she will self destruct or worse...CRY! Hello dumb ass! That's when I realized she is just trying to be mean. Why else would anyone say that? What I would have liked to have said to her is this- So HD if he thinks pregnant woman are repulsive? How does he feel about you? I can assure you that at about 7-8 months pregnant I will still be smaller than your fat ass! Or is it just the miracle of life that scares him? Haha DID NOT SAY THAT! Just really wanted to.

I ignored her and went to bed. Chewed my Hub a new one for making me endure this. The next morning I woke up to run. Then Hub and I had breakfast. After breakfast most of the house was still asleep. I laid back down for a while as well. I woke up around 11:30! I was so panicked because I knew we didn't have a ton of time with the baby before she would need a nap. Hub and I hurried up got dressed, rushed out, and said we will meet you all there. No big deal, right??? WRONG!

When we finally met up with them HD was pissed! She wouldn't speak to me or Hub or the baby! I was horrified! HD and I have a very tumultuous past and the thought of going down that road again made my stomach turn. I had to go through this whole day being ignored and treated like an outsider. I was absolutely furious! I wasted my weekend for this.

When we returned to the hotel she acted as if nothing am had happened! It was unbelievable. Obviously I'm still in shock. I just can't get over how a 35 year old woman can act like such a Psychotic. Bitch!

What made it worse is that everyone was acting as if she was doing nothing wrong. They almost acted as if I just needed to get over it. It makes me furious how people allow other people to be fuckers! You know the term....oh you just have to get used to him/her! I hate that term. Essentially it says to me oh you will get used to being treated like shit and it won't hurt as much after a while!

The reason for the suicide joke, you ask? A week before she left for New York her "husband" tried to take a ton if pills. He got no where! It was an elaborate cry for attention! She had filed for divorce two days before. Ridiculous people!

And yes I understand that my Hub and I are insensitive assholes!

What I did today?

Surprise surprise...I'm pregnant! I'm almost 7 weeks! My latest smart ass comment to my hub (when he asks what I did today)? I say oh nothing big just growing a human body. Ha! Poor guy doesn't stand a chance.

The reason for my entry is I'm absolutely loosing it! This blog is soon to become a pregnancy blog...because I just can't seem to shake the feeling that there is something weird going on in there. I know I know...there is! I mean something obscure or out of the ordinary. Ok here it is....I'm completely PARANOID I'm having twins! I'm literally embarrassed as I write this.

I'm obsessed with looking things up on line and checking them to how I feel. It's traumatizing.

I feel like I can't eat, but I'm already showing a little bit! I get so full after I eat and can't digest my food at all. It's got to be the worst feeling ever! I'm hungry, but feel sick after I eat. Then the food just sits there and won't move.

I'm also extremely exhausted. After 4pm I prefer to lay on the couch and play dead until bed time. Of course that is not possible because I have a two year old!

So why do I think there are two? No particular reason...just a feeling. Also so far this pregnancy is so different from my daughter.


(This will be posted later in my pregnancy after I have had a chance to tell all my friends.)

Black Baby bam-a-lam

My daughter is about as white as any human being can look. She is blonde, blue eyed, alabaster skin...I'm talking Aryan race, children of the corn white.

My hubs background is what I like to refer to as hillbilly baptist white. He is neither of those things...his "wonderful" family is! I am adopted but I know I come from Spanish decent on my biological fathers side. I was adopted into a very multi-cultural family. I have African American siblings, Spanish nephews/brother in laws, Thai nieces and nephews, and a sister and law and uncle from the Philippines. I never thought twice about race growing up. I was the very youngest of all my siblings...12-14 of us depending on who claims whom! My younger brother and sister are both bi-racial black and white. In fact I have very vivid memories of asking my mom why I was the different one! My Hub on the other hand was raised by racist wolves! He is neither!!! (Expect in the bedroom...and just the wolf part! ;))

Now that your up to date on meaningless information I will elaborate on my title. I bought my daughter a black baby. She has a red headed baby, a blonde baby, and a brunette baby. I bought the doll on purpose. We live in a predominantly white town. We only get to visit my family a couple of times a year. There is one darker skinned child in her daycare. So she has very little association with different races.

One day we are walking through a store, and literally the blackest human being I have ever seen walks by. Yes, he was very eye catching. Just as much as bright blazing red hair is or big boobs in a tight sweater. Sometimes you just can't help but look for slightly two seconds two long...ya know? Well, my two year old didn't know. She stared at this man and gave him the most peculiar look. Then she looks at me and says in her two year old only one volume of loud voice "what's that?" I was beyond mortified. I didn't want to react...so as the man is looking at the canned green beans right next us...I simply say to my daughter "that is a man shopping". I made no reference to his race as I freaked out in my mind! We left the store. About a few weeks later came Tiana. The black baby princess that is the same doll style as her beloved Arial.

She loved her automatically, but couldn't remember the dolls name for a very long time and would kindly refer to her as "messy" because of her curly hair. This I found hilarious...but handled it by correcting her with the dolls name, Tiana! I thought great....as if it wasn't humiliating enough that she's calling out African American people in the store...now she will be toting one around calling it messy! (p.s. she also calls me messy when I wear my hair curly) I of course understand her terminology, but the racist police would not!

Now she gladly carries around Tiana, Luellen, and Arial. My Hub calls them her entourage! Crisis averted my baby loves all of the human race again! Haha

Wrong! Now I'm dealing with a whole new weird issue! People stare!!! Like serious stare! Black women are the worse... If my daughter has Tiana with her out and about people can't help but look. One woman in a store even doubled back for a second look! I could not believe it. I get the white lady stares... But really? WTH is the big deal and is it so weird! Do I have to scream at everyone "hey dumb ass stop staring! If you act like it strange she will think its strange. I'm trying to raise a child prodigy here!"

We go see my Hubs family this weekend. I can't wait for the inquisition! ;)

My favorite Scar!

Two things I miss from my former life! Drinking with out guilt and shit to do the next day, and my Scar!

I wish there was a most satisfying way to describe my most epic friendship, but there is not! I suppose I should explain.

I met Scar when I was 18.. I worked for her then boyfriend. Truth be told I was ridiculously intimidated by her at first. She is so pretty...blonde and drove a Volkswagen beetle! I had always wanted one! I remember very vividly the moment I knew she was "cool" we were in the Kmart parking lot...lord knows why? She put on the song " in your face" by ebony eyez! I was like yep I really really like her! We hung out a lot that summer. You know very casual...getting tattoos and trying to drink! We weren't 21 yet obviously!

I moved away with Hub. He was going to college about an hour and a half away. We slowly stopped talking. My fault not hers. I really suck at staying in touch with people. I'm a lot better now!

We did talk a few times in between, but we really picked back up when Hub and I broke up. I got reconnected with her through a mutual HD friend and that was it! We were thick as thieves all over again. She got me a job at the Harley Davidson store.

So basically our lives consisted of working together then hanging out every weekend! It was awesome! We were known as the "Harley Girls". Yes, we loved that too! We made too many memories to account for, and too inappropriate to write here :)!

I left after the summer, and went back to Hub. It was the most awful good bye I have ever had to do. My niece was with me, and even commented "I hope I love a friend that much some day"! I cried harder.

When I left Hub again My Scar and I moved in together. We got an apartment we called the palace...and it was awesome! She had also broke up with her longtime boyfriend. She had a new man...I didn't! :(

We basically did all the fucked up stuff two young girls do...or say they wish they did! Looking back I think we almost had something to prove! We were going to be young forever! We thought! Literally I am scared for our lives thinking back! We were wild! And it was awesome! We were Famous in a small town!

Why she is my Scar is harder to explain. We had a retardedly outrageous misunderstanding! We like to pretend it never happened twice! I cringe just thinking about it! I tried to erase her... Tried! It just didn't work! I swear loosing a best friend is worse than loosing an X! At least with an X you can agree that you just don't belong together or some one cheated or the relationship is going no where. Loosing your best friend is like loosing the part of you only she knows!

Every fucking song reminded me if some crazy drunken night... "We are going streaking!", "No Wanda don't shit in the trash can", you girls wanna come on over and let the good times roll...umm NO" lolol! I couldn't watch the MTV movie awards for two years! I stopped loving Kathy Griffin... And God help us if I saw an FJ! It was pretty ridiculous!

We talk now...it is a lot easier! We saw each other last month! So awkward lol! I was so excited! Have you ever been so excited and try to pretend its just another day no big deal! HA! I was like a teenager going to a party for the first time! I'm pretty sure I ruined our night out by asking my Hub to pick me up. I was way to drunk and shouldn't drive. I swear the minute he walked in the spell was broken! We remembered we were grown ups! Not those fun woo girls anymore! Poof it was gone!

Either way I'm glad I have her back in my life in whatever form I can get. No we probably aren't the best friends we used to be...but she will always get me and never judge me! And I bet if we tried really hard we could have our mental texting conversations.

I just love her...

Bicker bicker

Happy Saturday! I go into this weekend reeling from yet another tif with my Hub. Last week we essentially had the same fight just different subject.

Basically I want to control everything and Hub wants to act like he is 24 and no one to answer to. No, he doesn't want to cheat or be gross. He just wants to trot off to work...not a care in the world...come home, say what's for dinner, stare at his computer screen, and tell me how "important" his work is...go to the gym as he pleases, and play softball on whichever nights suit him regardless of my schedule.
He says I want to put a tracking device up his butt and dictate his every move.

Neither examples are accurate, but you get the idea! I don't really mind him being in his own head during the week. I like to read and watch my shows anyway. My biggest issue is our little darling. She absolutely adores him...adores! He chooses a different parenting approach than I! I can't stand when I feel like he is not paying attention to her or giving her his time. I probably pay too much attention!

Ugh! This weeks fight! We stager our gym times and work shifts so angel baby is away from us the least amount of time. PS I only work 3.5 days a week! He only has to pick her up Tues and Thursday from Daycare. Thursday roles around and I decide to cut out a little early and the catch kettle bell class. I walk in and little miss judgey pants and her very genuinely nice husband are standing there holding their two kids. I'm like heyyyyy insert fake smile...I didn't know you guys belonged here??? Umm yes I did. I have just been pretending the last two times I saw the wife, that I didn't see her. Miss judgey pants is maybe 22 now...basically married her HS sweetie Genuinely nice guy (who works w/ Hub) she instantly got pregnant! Was st. Patricks day green w/ her kids. Meaning breast fed, organic evarythinnggg!, stayed home, baby sign language, co-sleeping, carried them everywhere, and judged everyone who didn't do it the very same way! Then she had the second one! Oh ya barely looked pregnant the whole time...lost baby weight instantly! Then acted like she was still chubby! Yeah basically kill yourself judgey pants!

So she says oh hey how are you! Genuinely nice guy says where's angel baby. I say oh yep I know the answer to that...yep "she is in the gym play room". (where Hub brings her every Thursday while he plays raquette ball after picking her up from daycare) I walk into the play room...and uh oh where is my kid??? Miss judgey pants says nothing. She probably knew I would loose it. I'm obviously mortified...what kind of mother doesn't know where her toddler is??? I calmly walk down to Hub. "where is the baby," I say? "oh at Daycare", he says! I calmly walk away after giving him a "you are so fucked and not in a fun way, when you get home" look!

I leave, miss my class, and go get the baby. When Hub gets home he's like you could have told me you were getting her. I say "oh ya jack ass, you should have gotten her before the gym and brought her with you"! He says "you never would have known if you would had been at work". Now let's pause right there. That's the phrase I'm stuck on! "I never would have known!!!" WTF!!!! That's the problem. I should be informed no matter what! Plus she would have gotten to have her Daddy pick her up...she would have had the snack that I pack for her every Thurs...and she would have gotten the one on one time in the car to and from the gym. He doesn't understand this. Oh and i wouldn't be the subject of judgey pants' play group next week! Hub says she fine and proceeds to tell me that I try to control everything. We were at a stale mate. He slept on the couch...still find it funny he thinks that's a punishment! Haha 200 less pounds of mass in a queen size bed! I slept wonderfully! Now if he would leave the house completely...that's a punishment! I would have robbery and arson dreams, and not sleep a wink!

I text him the next day...hope we can talk tonight. I don't like fighting. He texts back something about having to "take a stand" aka sleeping on the couch lololol to show me he was mr. Man and wouldn't b run by woman folk! Whatever!!!!!!

I call him on the way to work to make sure he still loves me and just like that fight is over! We didn't solve a thing, and Hubs back hurts from the couch!

I wonder if I could train him to "take a stand" by having sex with me then going to sleep on the couch! Yes, that would really teach me ;)

Baby talk

I'm very satisfied with my daughter! She is incredibly smart, independent, and a very happy child. Seriously, she amazes me every day. She was playing with a toy that said "ok let's count to ten"...then she did! I was like WTH???? I mean she just learns things! I prob sound like a freak counting everything or singing the ABC's over and over along w/ her other favorites, but soooo worth it when she picks it up! It's the most amazing part of being a mom! Literally watching her learn and react to the world around her. I think I have said that before, but I am a proud momma!

Now that is kind of the problem! I am so content with the her...I have no desire to have any more. So much so, I have tried to convince my Hub to get a vasectomy! His response was "I'm not 100% on having another child either. I just don't want to finalize anything." To me this sounded like...don't worry you will get baby fever some day! Ummm wrong, I'm good big guy! But am I???

My cons:
-I will probably have to stop working. Which will ultimately lead to some sort of mental shut down. I love working! It gets me out of the house...I feel like a grown up for a few hours...and I make some $ for myself!
-I had terrible postpartum depression. I didn't feel right for over a year. The first 6 months were awful! I just felt like I was going through the motions.
-Am I ready to give up another 2years of freedom? I year of trying/pregnancy...and second year of nursing!
-I do not want another girl...although if I had one I wouldn't send it back or anything! I'm sure she would be perfect in every way and I would adore her. I'm just scared another girl would interfere in my relationship with R. I want to be close with my kid...I was not close with my Mother! I'm so the type of person who has a favorite! You know how moms say oh I love all my kids the same!?!? Bullshit! All the siblings always know the favorite! If I had a boy it would be different. Two girls would send me into "don't fuck your kids up overload."
-I don't want to gain a million pounds again!

My pros:
-All only children are spoiled assholes! I'm not raising an asshole!
-My Hub wants more children. I want my Hub to be happy!
-I would get to nurse again. I loved it! Even though it was a sacrifice...and I felt relief when it was over. You can't compare that kind of connection to anything else.
-I know it would be cute. Who doesn't need more cute people in the world.
-I truly value my relationships with my siblings...I want R to have that in her life!
-When I'm around my friends daughter I want more! I blame them for having such a sweet cute little girl! Even though the girls are essentially the same age...I think, hmmm this is awesome! Not terrible at all! This would be awesome...just one would be smaller and cry more!
-I won't have to have anymore if we have another. People keep asking and I keep avoiding the question! After two I will be certain I'm finished...right?

Ugh 2? I would be outnumbered at least 45 hours a week! Haha! I can't! To be continued... I guess I will give it another year. My Hub and I can decide then!

Win some and lose some

Today is a day of....anxiety of course!

I drank almost 5 days in a row at the end of last week. I was home visiting my friends and family. Every time I go home I hang out with a ton of people I have not seen in months...and usually alcohol is involved!

I was with out my Hub for most of the trip. This is a terrible combination! Me drinking a ton and no one to keep me sane! Lol sane is maybe a bad choice of words. It's just that I don't act like a lunatic when he is around. Maybe I know he's the only one who will tell me "hey dumbass knock it off"!

So my anxiety is stemming from some of my friends seeing my completely wasted antics...and others I have told the story!

I will start by making excuses for myself. I drank for five hours at a winery all day. We evidently drank so much they cut us off! Wow that was officially the first time that ever happened to me. My brother was our sober driver, and took us to a new bar. A skanky little bar in my home town. I drank $1 drafts and some dumbass was buying us rumple mints shots! Still irritated with that girl!

After that it's gets some what blurry! I unfortunately never have those black out drunk moments...only once in my life did I have a night I truly do not remember! I'm thankful for the blurriness though, I would prob be much more embarrassed if it were more clear!

We go to eat at Steak n' Shake. I would like to remind everyone that it is only 6 or 7pm at this point! We walk in looking awful I'm sure. We sit down and an older lady makes some snide comment about how trashed we were and stupid kids or something. I then let this lady have it! I told her don't take it out on us bc you're old and fat and hate your life! Her husband freaked out and started wagging his finger at me saying don't you disrespect my wife like that. I told him to kill himself and something else like what are you gonna do about it!

Seriously...WTF!!! Is wrong with me! Those people must have been horrified! I'm horrified. I don't know why I was being so mean...I blame the rumple mints!

I guess I'm a mean drunk. It just takes a lot of drink to get me to that point! Either way I wish I could apologize to that lady and explain I was in some sort of drunk induced psychosis! Ugh horrifying!

To make matters worse I have been busy apologizing to my friend S and and my brother. Hoping they believe me that I don't normally behave that way. The friends I have told the story to seem to be just as horrified! Awesome!!!

I tell my Hub...he's not even concerned . He simply says babe you can't be acting like that! He also reminds me that shit would never have happened if he was there. I say why??? He says bc I would have taken your drunk ass out before you could embarrass me! Thanks Hunny! Drop kick me into sobriety!